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Only Those Who Will Risk Going Too Far Can Possibly Find Out How Far They Can Go- T.S. Elliot
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What to do... [Sunday, 25th January, 2009 @ 12:15am]
Haha.. I only go on this to vent.. weird...

anyways, it has been a while since i've posted...let me update everyone...or well..the one person who might accidentaly read this hahaha..

So i have been going to cosmetology school and recently graduated, yay! received my license in november, and now i am looking for a job like crazy. it is so hard! i dont want to work in a salon because i couldnt handle that. i got into the hair business to actually work in tv/film and the theatre. so wish me luck! haha...

also, i have been dating this guy for a year and a half! that's so crazy! that's like 20 years in gay years!! haha.. anyways, so we've been together and he has this crazy thing with sex...like..we dont have it..and we rarely fool around.. he just isnt sexual..it's insane!..but he cheated on me in the first month of our relationship..(lord knows how many other times after that =-\...) and it's crazy to me.. someone who cant do anything with me...can give it all up to someone they randomly meet at pride.. like it makes me so angry haha.. so i dont get it... I DONT GET IT!!!!!
anyways, so... i love him a lot..and despite the whole in bed situation we actually are really a great couple.. i love him a lot and we have soo much in common.. we're both huge nerds haha, and have pretty much the same dreams.. i couldnt imagine doing it with anyone else.. like i honestly cant even picture myself without him!!
he drives me insane..when we first met he was a total drunk..and went and partied and clubbed like every night.. once he cheated there was no way in hell he would be allowed to do that so much haha..now he has gotten a lot better and rarely goes clubbing. but.... my longest relationship before him was 4 months...so this year and a half thing brought up stuff i never thought i would think of.. im starting to think about my future...and having a family with him..because that is what i want.. i've never been the type to party and club and be crazy.. i've always kind of been a little more mature than that.. you wont hear stories about me getting shit faced and waking up naked in someones house...no...not me..so thinking about my future...with him...raises many doubts.. i love him a lot..but i honestly dont think he is going to mature any time soon..he is almost 25 years old..and still works at the same place he did when he was like 18... he still hasnt even gotten his AA from college...yet goes every semester.. he likes to drink..way too much...his friends are horrible people.. (i cant stand his friends!!! ugh.. they are the picture perfect drunks! totally worthless creatures).. his family finds any excuse to have a party and drink... i mean...who gets shit faced on christmas eve!? i mean who! what kind of grown adult...gets shit faced on christmas eve.. (oh he has two younger brothers, 8 and 14. otherwise if all the kids were grown..i wouldnt care haha) but im just scared.. to think about raising a family with him..i dont want my kids to go over to their grandmas house and ask me why it always smells like alcohol... i want my kids to responsible..i want them to want to make a future for themselves..but to still enjoy themselves..but responsibly.. partying every now and then is fine..but the amount my bf does..or used to...is NOT okay... and it worries me..because people never change.. he may change now...but in the future im sure he'll go right back to the same thing.. ya know? it would be stupid for me to think that i can change anyone! and i wouldnt want them to! i want someone who is perfect for me.. all together...not bits and pieces but...all together..and.. i just dont know if my bf is that one...

but...how....how do you go about fixing it...or just ending it? it's been almost 2 years! how will i live? what if breaking up is a mistake?! what if i dont want to do it! cuz i dont want to.. at ALL...but deep down inside...i feel like...i should... part of me wants to wait though..he has done so much for me while i was in school..i wasnt able to work and he helped me out..and bought me things i needed..etc.. he has spent so much money and effort on me that i want to pay him back.. like i feel like i need to...but is that right? what if he hadnt spent that money? would i still want to be with him?...ya know?..UGH! im so confused!!... why cant we just know...instantly?! why...

and he is at work right now..and im so mad at him!!.. he doesnt get off until 130...but he just told me that he plans on going out with his friends to a bar and then to probably one of their houses.. like...who does that?! it's so late...to me that is ridiculous..and now im up getting all angry haha.. like i dont want to live with him and have to stay up waiting for him all the time... (this isnt the first).. it just makes me mad..because he spends his time working and then wanting to go out and party...but he NEVER makes an effort for his future.. he is too lazy..he doesnt even pay any of his bills! his parents do!... like literally..he pays one..that's it!!!! and he doesnt know how to cook or clean up after himself!!! i cant stand it haha..so it comes down to.. he honestly has nothing fatherly or husbandly to offer me...but he is the sweetest guy and i cant stand not having him in my life... i cant stand the idea of him with other guys... it literally makes me angry.. i would probably murder someone...
what to do!?!?!?!?

...Starts With Goodbye... [Thursday, 25th October, 2007 @ 11:53pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

for 6 months we dated...
in the beginning of our relationship I wasnt too sure about you..
I think I may have been just scared of being with someone again..
Loving someone is giving them the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to...
You cheated on me not too far into our relationship..
I should have said goodbye then..
but when i said goodbye...you showed up at my house late that night..crying...
..sobbing.. gasping for the air you couldnt breathe...
We talked and there was something different about you...
something i've never seen or felt before..
and we worked it out..
it was rocky for a while..
I couldnt get over what you had done...
in time..
..i forgave you..
and you kissed me...with so much emotion...
...i could feel my knees begin to get weak...
and shortly thereafter...it was over.
for a while you were like my best friend...
i saw you every day..
we laughed...we played...
but sometimes we would argue...
but...5 minutes after we argued..we'd somehow work it out...and things would be fine...
we were great for a couple months...
but it all came to an end when you decided to completely ditch me on your birthday...
I had waited for hours for your call...excited to see your face when you came through my door...for the surprise i had for you...
i didnt have much money...so..i baked a cake from scratch..and with sprinkles put a heart in the middle of it...
i put candles all around the house...and made a happy birthday sign out of computer paper... i did what i could to make it special...
you finally called!...
but you told me you were driving an hour away to go to a restaurant with your friends....
I destroyed your cake...and your decorations..out of...anger...and hurt...
at 2 am you finally got home...and i came over to work things out...because that's how we always do...
but to my surprise...hearing im sorry was not the same...
i felt an emotion i had never felt before...
I felt something from you....oozing...crawling...into me..
we agreed to work things out...but i left...with a sense of disappointment...
...the next day you threw your birthday party...costume party...
i had been excited up until today... i had spent $150...on my costume...just for this occasion...
....yet...i couldnt bring myself to go...
i knew what you let your friends say about me...and i didnt want to be in a room filled with condescending stares...
i brought you the cake my mom and i ordered for you....
and left...
i waited all night for you to call me...to text me...to somehow reach out to me to tell me that you needed me...
...but i got nothing...
...i decided to end it..
i went to your house...to end it...
and as we sat in my car...you..cried...
...but it did not seem real...
it felt so...fake...
...you asked me if we could still see each other..
..time went by and we decided to work it out again...
...yet...as the night before..something didnt quite feel right...
...a week goes by..and things seem to be doing better...
you tell me you want to move in with me...
..and tell me of things we'll do in the future...
and i believe them...and it gives me hope that everything will be okay...
i cling to that hope like a child to his blanket...
like a baby duck to his mother...
clinging for hope and grasping for the air i know i'll one day breathe...
...you came to my house...and we lay in my bed...
i start to kiss you...
and as we kiss... you start to flinch..
i feel you pull away from me...
and i knew we were over...
....i let the thought fester in my mind...
allowing it to marinate...
...to be sure...
you came over to my house tonight...
and like before..we lay in my bed...
..but this time...we dont cuddle...and we dont kiss..
you hold my hand...and i told you that i didnt feel it anymore...
you didnt feel it either..
...what i didnt understand...was...that you hadnt felt it for a lot longer than i had...
i cried...
..and burried my face into my pillow...you tried to hold me...
and then you left...
all the thoughts went through my mind...
everything we had talked about...done...in the past month..
and it all feels like...a lie...
you told me you wanted to move in with me...but did you really mean it?..
why would you give me hope...if you didnt mean it?...
...i feel hurt...
and sad...
i couldnt picture my life without you...
.....and it feels like im starting over...
..i dont know where to begin...
during those 6 months of being with you... i saw you every day...
i had never been with someone for more than 6 months...
so it felt so long for me..
...and i fell completely in love with you...
every day when you got off work at 10pm...you'd show up at my door...
sometimes with flowers...
sometimes just a smile.
...but i opened my door and was always happy to see you..
....we'd lay in my bed and watch a movie...or just fall asleep...
but now it's over...and i sleep alone..
every night when 10pm comes around.....

....i'll always ask...
...............................Where's Beau?.....


[Thursday, 12th July, 2007 @ 10:53pm]
So on monday i quit my job. I walked out. im just pissed about the way that business is being run and it's ridiculous haha.

but i have a chance to see a client this weekend for an escorting job. i will be paid $1000. for a night.

UGH! beau is here haha.. i gotta put this post on hold.

[Wednesday, 4th July, 2007 @ 12:47pm]
everytime i think i've got it figured out...it fades away

[Monday, 19th February, 2007 @ 11:30pm]
Wow, it has truly been a long time since i have posted anything on livejournal.

Let's see...what have i been up to?
I never moved to Chicago...New York...or London haha
Im still in murrieta...stuck here!
I feel like it just hasnt been right...
I was going to move to NYC in march, but decided not to..
I have no idea what i would even do in nyc.
besides go to school for fashion design and work...
I want to still persue a performing career..
but there is soo much i want to do with life..so i've decided that i need to just stick with one thing and persue that whole heartedly...
so for now im going to start going to cosmetology school.. just to have something to pay the bills with..
and after that possibly go to school for fashion design..so i could become a costume designer for theatre. that way i have hair and costume stuff under my belt!
1 Broken Dream

[Sunday, 1st January, 2006 @ 3:38pm]
without the mask where will you hide?
Can't find yourself lost in your lies.

I know the truth now,
I know who you are,
and i don't love you anymore,

it never was and never will be,
You don't know how you betrayed me,
and somehow you've got everybody fooled.

[Friday, 30th December, 2005 @ 3:26pm]
my sister ran away and my aunt is dying...
what a fun day

[Saturday, 24th December, 2005 @ 10:05am]
new ink! :)

it says "No Day" "But Today"
3 Broken Dream

[Wednesday, 21st December, 2005 @ 5:39pm]
I got another tattoo YAY!
2 Broken Dream

[Tuesday, 13th December, 2005 @ 3:58pm]
I cant believe im going through with it...
wtf am i doing?!
3 Broken Dream

[Thursday, 8th December, 2005 @ 1:31am]

that is all.
3 Broken Dream

[Tuesday, 6th December, 2005 @ 12:25pm]
Nutcracker is all sold out now.. so i hope everyone who wanted to come was able to reserve tickets..

[Saturday, 3rd December, 2005 @ 9:51am]
"The Nutcracker"

December 9, 10, 11th.
at 5:30 and 8:30.

The MSJC campus in Menifee

How Much?

You MUST reserve tickets before the show. i would do it before next week, because we are selling out very fast.

672-6752 ext 2559

any questions, just ask me!
2 Broken Dream

[Sunday, 27th November, 2005 @ 10:14am]
so work yesterday fucking sucked! i worked from 11:30-8:00 and.. it just SUCKED haha..
one of my managers never does her job. pisses me off..
there were 4 people in the back doing what one person could do..and i was all alone taking pics..and there were like 2 sittings that needed to have pictures done..and they could have helped out a bit..before it got busy.. GRR
oh well...
Christian and Chiara came in and i made them take pictures...it was funny.. they are cute haha..

so, this isnt as hard as i thought it would be.. im fine with the whole christian situation.
he is good people and being friends is fine.
and i understand what he was saying..so i cant blame him for anything.
plus im psycho. why would he want someone who is psycho. haha..jk

anyways, chiara and i are supposed to hang out today.. i heart her :)

last night after work.. i was so stressed because of work.. so i went home..and then shevon and i went to our friend's house and drank red bull and vodka. i love that stuff, and love how it makes me feel haha..
1 Broken Dream

[Saturday, 26th November, 2005 @ 9:39am]
Well he said he doesnt want to be in a committed relationship...
he has too much shit going on in his life...

i feel a bit... violated though..
i just wish he would have told me this in the beginning...instead of letting things happen and letting me believe something would come of it..when it wouldnt..

oh well...you love you learn.

21 Things I Want In A Lover

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
That it alone does not equate wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion?
But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware?
And don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that
Loving someone can actually feel like freedom? are you funny?
la self-deprecating? like adventure? and have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry I could wait forever
I'm in no rush cuz I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure in the meantime
I'll live like there's no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed? more than three times a week?
Up for being experimental? are you athletic?
Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? are you not addicted?
...curious and communicative...
3 Broken Dream

[Friday, 25th November, 2005 @ 1:19pm]
I havent updated in a really long time.
well, i've updated..but not with my own words.

so i got a job at Starbucks a couple weeks ago.
I like it, but not sure if i like my manager that much.
oh well.. it is money.

Still working at The Picture People. which i like.. but it is so busy lately..and i hate that.

I met this boy named Christian like three weeks ago...
he is beautiful.. and i like him a lot.
we met at Starbucks. it was funny how we met
well, we seemed to hit it off..
the next day we went to a movie..and ended up cuddling in the movie..
which is NOT what i do..haha i hate all that like cuddling and etc.. at least in the movies..
but i was totally fine with it..
we ended up kissing..
after we went out and smoked with his friend candice..
he was all over me..and i didnt mind..at all..and in turn i was all over him..which is odd, because i was never comfortable with public displays of affection..
anyways..so we hung out like everyday for a week..and everything seemed cool..
but he has been treating me really different lately..
not giving me the time of day..at all...
and it's weird..so i dont know how he feels anymore..
i just want to know so i can either..move on..or stick around..

Take Me Or Leave Me

*shrug*....men haha..

I saw RENT last night...it was amazing.. i loved it..
i was scared that it was going to fail..but it didnt. :)
im glad..

Liberate The People That You Hate And Cut Yourself Again

[Sunday, 20th November, 2005 @ 11:28am]
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.

Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

[Wednesday, 16th November, 2005 @ 2:40pm]
I think I’ve already lost you
I think you’re already gone
I think I’m finally scared now
You think I’m weak - but I think you’re wrong
I think you’re already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I’m relaxed - I can’t be sure

I think you’re so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I’m just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it’s a problem I’m dealing

If you’re gone - maybe it’s time to go home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there’s a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I bet you’re hard to get over
I bet the room just won’t shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
2 Broken Dream

[Wednesday, 9th November, 2005 @ 10:24pm]
You’ve already won me over in spite of me
Don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn’t help it
It’s all your fault
1 Broken Dream

[Saturday, 29th October, 2005 @ 12:36am]
I got into a car accident today :(
I wont be able to drive my car at all anymore :(

im so sad..
it wasnt my fault either..
i was in the lane to turn right onto the freeway and the lane to go straight was all backed up..well this bitch wanted to turn left through my lanes.. from the other direction ya know?.. and so she didnt look and just went..and BAM hit...my car is like.. destroyed.. the airbags went out.. they hurt haha i was so scared cuz the car filled with smoke.. no fun..but luckily im fine..my hand just got swollen up... but it sucks a lot cuz now i have no car :-(
2 Broken Dream

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