cutsxtoxheal (cutsxtoxheal) wrote,
cutsxtoxheal
cutsxtoxheal

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...Starts With Goodbye...

for 6 months we dated...
in the beginning of our relationship I wasnt too sure about you..
I think I may have been just scared of being with someone again..
Loving someone is giving them the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to...
You cheated on me not too far into our relationship..
I should have said goodbye then..
but when i said goodbye...you showed up at my house late that night..crying...
..sobbing.. gasping for the air you couldnt breathe...
We talked and there was something different about you...
something i've never seen or felt before..
and we worked it out..
it was rocky for a while..
I couldnt get over what you had done...
in time..
..i forgave you..
and you kissed me...with so much emotion...
...i could feel my knees begin to get weak...
and shortly thereafter...it was over.
for a while you were like my best friend...
i saw you every day..
we laughed...we played...
but sometimes we would argue...
but...5 minutes after we argued..we'd somehow work it out...and things would be fine...
we were great for a couple months...
but it all came to an end when you decided to completely ditch me on your birthday...
I had waited for hours for your call...excited to see your face when you came through my door...for the surprise i had for you...
i didnt have much money...so..i baked a cake from scratch..and with sprinkles put a heart in the middle of it...
i put candles all around the house...and made a happy birthday sign out of computer paper... i did what i could to make it special...
you finally called!...
but you told me you were driving an hour away to go to a restaurant with your friends....
I destroyed your cake...and your decorations..out of...anger...and hurt...
at 2 am you finally got home...and i came over to work things out...because that's how we always do...
but to my surprise...hearing im sorry was not the same...
i felt an emotion i had never felt before...
I felt something from you....oozing...crawling...into me..
we agreed to work things out...but i left...with a sense of disappointment...
...the next day you threw your birthday party...costume party...
i had been excited up until today... i had spent $150...on my costume...just for this occasion...
....yet...i couldnt bring myself to go...
i knew what you let your friends say about me...and i didnt want to be in a room filled with condescending stares...
i brought you the cake my mom and i ordered for you....
and left...
i waited all night for you to call me...to text me...to somehow reach out to me to tell me that you needed me...
...but i got nothing...
...i decided to end it..
i went to your house...to end it...
and as we sat in my car...you..cried...
...but it did not seem real...
it felt so...fake...
...you asked me if we could still see each other..
..time went by and we decided to work it out again...
...yet...as the night before..something didnt quite feel right...
...a week goes by..and things seem to be doing better...
you tell me you want to move in with me...
..and tell me of things we'll do in the future...
and i believe them...and it gives me hope that everything will be okay...
i cling to that hope like a child to his blanket...
like a baby duck to his mother...
clinging for hope and grasping for the air i know i'll one day breathe...
...you came to my house...and we lay in my bed...
i start to kiss you...
and as we kiss... you start to flinch..
i feel you pull away from me...
and i knew we were over...
....i let the thought fester in my mind...
allowing it to marinate...
...to be sure...
you came over to my house tonight...
and like before..we lay in my bed...
..but this time...we dont cuddle...and we dont kiss..
you hold my hand...and i told you that i didnt feel it anymore...
you didnt feel it either..
...what i didnt understand...was...that you hadnt felt it for a lot longer than i had...
i cried...
..and burried my face into my pillow...you tried to hold me...
and then you left...
all the thoughts went through my mind...
everything we had talked about...done...in the past month..
and it all feels like...a lie...
you told me you wanted to move in with me...but did you really mean it?..
why would you give me hope...if you didnt mean it?...
...i feel hurt...
and sad...
i couldnt picture my life without you...
.....and it feels like im starting over...
..i dont know where to begin...
during those 6 months of being with you... i saw you every day...
i had never been with someone for more than 6 months...
so it felt so long for me..
...and i fell completely in love with you...
every day when you got off work at 10pm...you'd show up at my door...
sometimes with flowers...
sometimes just a smile.
...but i opened my door and was always happy to see you..
....we'd lay in my bed and watch a movie...or just fall asleep...
but now it's over...and i sleep alone..
every night when 10pm comes around.....

....i'll always ask...
...............................Where's Beau?.....
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