cutsxtoxheal (cutsxtoxheal) wrote,
cutsxtoxheal
cutsxtoxheal

What to do...

Haha.. I only go on this to vent.. weird...

anyways, it has been a while since i've posted...let me update everyone...or well..the one person who might accidentaly read this hahaha..

So i have been going to cosmetology school and recently graduated, yay! received my license in november, and now i am looking for a job like crazy. it is so hard! i dont want to work in a salon because i couldnt handle that. i got into the hair business to actually work in tv/film and the theatre. so wish me luck! haha...

also, i have been dating this guy for a year and a half! that's so crazy! that's like 20 years in gay years!! haha.. anyways, so we've been together and he has this crazy thing with sex...like..we dont have it..and we rarely fool around.. he just isnt sexual..it's insane!..but he cheated on me in the first month of our relationship..(lord knows how many other times after that =-\...) and it's crazy to me.. someone who cant do anything with me...can give it all up to someone they randomly meet at pride.. like it makes me so angry haha.. so i dont get it... I DONT GET IT!!!!!
anyways, so... i love him a lot..and despite the whole in bed situation we actually are really a great couple.. i love him a lot and we have soo much in common.. we're both huge nerds haha, and have pretty much the same dreams.. i couldnt imagine doing it with anyone else.. like i honestly cant even picture myself without him!!
but......BUT...
he drives me insane..when we first met he was a total drunk..and went and partied and clubbed like every night.. once he cheated there was no way in hell he would be allowed to do that so much haha..now he has gotten a lot better and rarely goes clubbing. but.... my longest relationship before him was 4 months...so this year and a half thing brought up stuff i never thought i would think of.. im starting to think about my future...and having a family with him..because that is what i want.. i've never been the type to party and club and be crazy.. i've always kind of been a little more mature than that.. you wont hear stories about me getting shit faced and waking up naked in someones house...no...not me..so thinking about my future...with him...raises many doubts.. i love him a lot..but i honestly dont think he is going to mature any time soon..he is almost 25 years old..and still works at the same place he did when he was like 18... he still hasnt even gotten his AA from college...yet goes every semester.. he likes to drink..way too much...his friends are horrible people.. (i cant stand his friends!!! ugh.. they are the picture perfect drunks! totally worthless creatures).. his family finds any excuse to have a party and drink... i mean...who gets shit faced on christmas eve!? i mean who! what kind of grown adult...gets shit faced on christmas eve.. (oh he has two younger brothers, 8 and 14. otherwise if all the kids were grown..i wouldnt care haha) but im just scared.. to think about raising a family with him..i dont want my kids to go over to their grandmas house and ask me why it always smells like alcohol... i want my kids to responsible..i want them to want to make a future for themselves..but to still enjoy themselves..but responsibly.. partying every now and then is fine..but the amount my bf does..or used to...is NOT okay... and it worries me..because people never change.. he may change now...but in the future im sure he'll go right back to the same thing.. ya know? it would be stupid for me to think that i can change anyone! and i wouldnt want them to! i want someone who is perfect for me.. all together...not bits and pieces but...all together..and.. i just dont know if my bf is that one...

but...how....how do you go about fixing it...or just ending it? it's been almost 2 years! how will i live? what if breaking up is a mistake?! what if i dont want to do it! cuz i dont want to.. at ALL...but deep down inside...i feel like...i should... part of me wants to wait though..he has done so much for me while i was in school..i wasnt able to work and he helped me out..and bought me things i needed..etc.. he has spent so much money and effort on me that i want to pay him back.. like i feel like i need to...but is that right? what if he hadnt spent that money? would i still want to be with him?...ya know?..UGH! im so confused!!... why cant we just know...instantly?! why...

and he is at work right now..and im so mad at him!!.. he doesnt get off until 130...but he just told me that he plans on going out with his friends to a bar and then to probably one of their houses.. like...who does that?! it's so late...to me that is ridiculous..and now im up getting all angry haha.. like i dont want to live with him and have to stay up waiting for him all the time... (this isnt the first).. it just makes me mad..because he spends his time working and then wanting to go out and party...but he NEVER makes an effort for his future.. he is too lazy..he doesnt even pay any of his bills! his parents do!... like literally..he pays one..that's it!!!! and he doesnt know how to cook or clean up after himself!!! i cant stand it haha..so it comes down to.. he honestly has nothing fatherly or husbandly to offer me...but he is the sweetest guy and i cant stand not having him in my life... i cant stand the idea of him with other guys... it literally makes me angry.. i would probably murder someone...
what to do!?!?!?!?
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